Day 3

Well, today I woke up desperately wanting to get that biggest frog eaten so it was over with, but dreading it so much I was having an anxiety attack.  I got a B-shot, had some breakfast and prayed fervently that God would help me accomplish the things I so desired to do.  As I prayed I was reminded of a different way to look at things that needed to be done, and to do all things in thanks.  I started telling the Lord how grateful I was that we live where we do and have great medical care and that I would say thank you for each check I write for a medical bill.  And I would continue that attitude as I paid bills and took care of things, that I am grateful I have an electricity bill, because that meant I had electricity etc....  I'm so blessed. 

As I got moving I started to feel a little bit better.  But then it was time to take Hayden to school and I could neither find Hayden's shoes or backpack.  ugggggg.....  This was not helping my anxiety and just felt like another example of why I needed to get my life in better order.  I finally just took Hayden in flip flops and prayed he wouldn't need his backpack.  As we got out of the car Hayden cried because he didn't have his backpack to carry in.  I hate disappointing the kids, it breaks my heart. 

I went home and got working on a few minor things that had dead lines today.  I looked around the house and realized I needed to keep up the house along with this regroup project.  I had clean clothes, sorted clothes piles and clothes in the washer so decided I'd do everything I could to finish that project and while they were washing/drying I'd attack the office/paperwork. 

As I worked I started feeling better. I even found the backpack and shoes and took them to Hayden.  They really don't like him wearing flip flops on the playground and I knew the last thing he did of the day was play outside so I ran is shoes to him and got to watch him enjoy playing. 

Next I took Porter to Chinese and tickled Lexi all the way home to keep her awake so she's go down for a nap when we got home.  Luckily we car pool so Porter had a ride home and I knew I had from 12:30 to 2 when I picked up Abi. 

I looked up the accounts to find that one had less money than I thought and the other had more than I thought.  The one with less was because Neil as usual told me what I wanted to hear.  The one with more was because he hadn't paid all the bills.  sigh......  I attacked the pile of unopened mail and continued to find surprises.  The challenge is this always happens.  I finally decide I better get honest with myself about finances etc... all to find out that Neil hasn't been telling me all the facts.  I knew there was a good chance of this happening.  I didn't want to have the same yelling match and for that matter I just didn't feel as mad as I usually do.  If I want it different then I have to decide to do it myself.  I've got to chose to take the blinders off.  I still haven't decided if I'm going to even tell him the things I know that aren't done or things he said he did a certain way and clearly didn't.  I'm just sick of fighting.  He knows lying breaks my heart.  I'm just so dang tired of feeling like I'm just not worth his while to tell me the truth or share with me what is really going on.  He has no idea how or desire to work together on this sort of thing.  So I've just got to suck it up, I wish I didn't take it so personal. 

I got through a huge chunk of the mail and as much as I didn't like the activity, I felt good I'd at least worked on it.  I also kept on the laundry and pretty much washed everything but what the kids were wearing.  I've about got it all folded, I just need to finish putting it away. 

I'm glad the night ended with some accomplishment, I wish I didn't feel in a funk because of it.  It probably sounds crazy, but I'm looking forward to cleaning out closets and bedrooms where hopefully that will just be manual labor and there won't be emotion issues attached to that project.  I am avoiding the garage because I'm quite certain there are mice in there and I've asked Neil to take care of it and he hasn't.  I guess it's time to head to Walmart and get what I need to take care of it myself.

I unfortunately I had a hard reality check tonight.  I needed to submit the kids homeschool reports.  I asked Porter to bring down his work and I quickly discovered that he's behind.  I haven't followed up as well as I should.  I knew I needed to make a better game plan, but it was a huge wake up call.  Porter felt really bad, I did keep from yelling and took responsibility as the parent for not doing the follow up as well as I should have.  Deep breaths, tomorrow is another day! 

Tomorrow is another day full of appointments.  If I get to bed earlier maybe I'll have the motivation to finally exercise and do some projects before I have my first one.  I'm have to remember I'm going to feel so good as I can check off these 'frogs.'

I did read a scripture this morning that helped me: Behold, I say unto you that whoso believeth in Christ, doubting nothing, whatsoever he shall ask the Father in the name of Christ it shall be granted him; and this promise is unto all, even unto the ends of the earth.  I really needed that this morning and realized I needed to rely more heavily on my Father in Heaven.  He knows the good things I'm trying to do, He loves these 4 beautiful children even more than I do, and He understands Neil's heart better than I do.  If I ask in faith He'll help me. 

It made me recall another time in my life when I was very busy.  As a sophomore in high school my first semester I was doing color guard at 6 am, (so would get up at 4:30 to get there), attended school all day, did drivers ed after school and then had play practice until 10 pm.  I also had quite challenging and time consuming classes.  To top it off we went to Vegas the weekend of my 16th birthday to compete in a band and color guard competition.  I slept all the way there, anytime we weren't performing and all the way home.  I almost none of the trip because I slept through so much of it.  I know our bus even got in a fender bender on the strip and I slept through that too.  I was exhausted!!  I remembered praying the the Lord would help me get it all done.  When the semester ended and I finished my last large school assignment I bore my testimony in church the following fast Sunday and told my little story about the Lord helping me.  I remember my mom commenting after and saying "I wondered how you were getting everything done." 

I don't want to wish any of this time away. Luckily I've never been one to say, "when they are 'this age' it will be better..... etc...   I adore the phase each of my children are in.  I love to see them learn and grow.  This morning after I finished reading my scriptures, Lexi came in with a book.  I picked her up and read it to here knowing it would all work out if I did the things that mattered the most.  She's such a delight and I'm trying to take her all in.  She's growing so fast along with all of them!!!